Letting Go

As I embark on this new life - I actually want to stop here. I've been calling this discovery of my Christianity and what that means a "journey." But in typing this, it hit me that it's not a journey - but, a new life.

I visited Mt. Calvary Baptist Church while in Maryland this past week and the pastor spoke about how when death happens, people like to call it a "transition." She was under the assumption that it was because it sounds nicer and more peaceful - but, people don't transition, they die. She correlated this to Jesus' death on the cross - saying, what if he had of just transitioned? He had to die because death is what allows new life.

While writing this, that message came to mind. Parts of me need to die in order for me to truly have new life. I've been using this phrase of a "journey", but this new perspective actually helps to set up what I came to speak about really well.

As I've been coming to understand what it truly means to live a Christian lifestyle, I've been met with challenges - whether it's what I consume (books, music, television), my activities, etc. I'm finding that there's been tension with who I want to become and where I currently am. It's because I've only accepted transition, not death.

Matthew 10:37
"If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine." - NLT

The first time I read that verse, I didn't quite understand. Was this saying to separate myself from my family or for mothers to separate from their children? 

Matthew 10:34-36  
"Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's enemies will be the members of his household." - NLT

Let that sink in! It really challenges you to consider the depths of your commitment to God. If you love anything or anyone more than Him, you are not worthy of being His. So, to answer my earlier question, yes. Anything that separates you from Him you need to let go of it.

I write this to speak on things I've been noticing in my own life as it relates to the people in my life. As I began to feel the call to draw nearer to God, I also notice the distance this is creating between me and people that I have in my "household." I am  starting to see things in people that no longer reflect my values or align with my new passions. It's growing increasingly difficult to fully commit myself because those around me aren't seeking to do the same.

Something I've noticed is that I have the tendency to try to rationalize and think that I am strong enough or wise enough to discern what's best for my life and what decisions I should make for my life. As children, we often had this feeling when your parents tell you not to hang around certain people because of how they are and you convince yourself that you're not impressionable. But, influence does happen. So, as adults, we most listen to our heavenly father and heed his warnings without question - not just in this, but all areas.

Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." - NLT

I've come to a place where I'm being shown that there is only two directions for my life and only one leads to the path of righteousness. But, that means leaving things, desires, interests, opportunities, and people behind. I've been given the opportunity to have new life and in order for that to happen that means parts of my old life must die.

The Path to Understanding

If you've been reading my blog consistently, you'll notice that I've began to incorporate more spiritual undertones to my posts. I started this journey to "womanhood" because I was looking to grow into the woman that I'd always saw myself as being. Initially, I saw this in a plethora of areas: dressing better, cooking more, being fit, increased charisma. But, while on this journey I've been led to start on the inside and that mission has led me to God.

I stated in my post last Friday that I am no stranger to God. But, I'm coming to learn that my relationship with him has been very surface and that I need to embrace him in all aspects of my life, not just in prayer. I've been directed to testimonial videos of married couples and them speaking on living for God in your singleness.

As much as I hate to admit it, if I'm being honest, my journey to womanhood was kicked off in efforts to make myself more desirable for a man. I have yet to address it here, but if you've noticed, a lot of my most recent posts hint at the upset I've been dealing with regarding someone I had been dating. I've been really torn up about it and in response went into a lot of prayer as to why this happened and what was His purpose. Then in the midst of seeking these answers I was contacted by someone else and of course my first thought went to this being some sign from God.

But thank God for clarity! I came across a video about the enemy sending carbon copies of what we want to stray us from our purpose and God's plan for us. At that time, I wanted a male distraction - a rebound maybe? Let's just say, I don't think there was any mistake that I was contacted in my moment of weakness and emotional openness. God isn't the only one known for his timing.

I have received messages in my spirit, several times, that I should accept being single and find happiness within myself. Yet, that thought is always met by this other voice that keeps telling me that I can find that with someone else and that I need company on my journey. I'm now identifying that other voice as the enemy. I am coming to understand that just because I am single does not mean that I am alone, because God is with me.

I've always applied this laser focus on meeting "the one" and investing so much time and energy into dating, preparedness for dating, and all this has done was result in keeping me from building my relationship with God. I have been following my plan, not His.

In the latest video I watched, all from this couple, they spoke about how when you choose God you are accepting that your life is not your own and you let go of your wants and desires and accept those He has for you. I don't have any vices really, so it's not as if I need to let go of something that is considered major by most people. I'm not promiscuous, I don't really drink, or party, but rap music is my weakness. It sounds ridiculous but I can connect it to low points in my life and above else it's  been my connection to almost every guy that I've ever dated.

I've allowed my flesh to connect me with people versus what's in my spirit. I don't even have to go as far as dating, but in terms of the people I invite into my life that is the thread that oftentimes keeps me connected to them. It's also the one thing I struggle letting go of.

There's no conclusion to this. But, I wanted to share these thoughts as they've help me add clarity to the true purpose of my journey.

A Rose Is Still A Rose

While editing this post, I was watching an interview between Meagan Good and her husband, Devon Franklin. During this interview she says, "don't settle for anyone who doesn't see you as close to how God sees you - perfect."

That really struck me and inspired me to do something different with this post - start at the end. Since I have a tendency to talk in circles and usually don't get to the point until the end. I figured, I'd try something new and start backwards. Here goes...

I hate the dating process, because I'm always left thinking how many times can I be disappointed and come back from it? The walls that have to come down to trust someone new get higher each time and the one thing I don't want is to be tarnished for the one who does deserve me.

Back to the beginning...

I've been sitting on this topic for weeks trying to decide how I wanted to approach it. I figured it best if I just dove in and let things manifest on their own.The idea stemmed from my growing interest in religiously rooted reality programming. These shows push me to act more in my spirituality and increase my desire for an increased relationship with God.

I've always "known" God and the importance of having a relationship with Him. However, outside of that, I don't think I could truthfully say I know what it means to live a Christian lifestyle or what it is to be a Christian. I'm not even sure I know what the values of a Christian are - aside from the moral codes that have been weaved through society and instilled in me since youth.

While watching Preachers Daughters, my latest reality guilty pleasure, I was introduced to a girl on the show named Kolby. She radiates this raw sense of innocence and purity. It's not purity in the virginal sense, but pure as in untarnished by the realities of life and having this energy of believing that there is good in people and their intentions.

That thought is what inspired me to write this. Forever, I looked at purity as a sexual thing. That purity and virginity were synonymous. I would even go as far to say that's the definition society has placed upon it as well. Based in my experiences, a woman's innocence (purity) has been very wrapped in her sexuality.

Earlier this year, I'd began to evaluate the word innocence and its applicability to me - not because I'd been off whoring, but because I just didn't feel "innocent." It sparked from a conversation this past Christmas, in which some friends surfaced this term as a descriptor for me. I found myself irritated a bit because internally it didn't match the view I had of my self.

In a period of self reflection, I tied this back to my childhood. For reasons I'd prefer not to get into at the moment, around my preteen years, I'd developed a negative outlook as it related to my ability to be dependent on others. I realize that this has set the tone for a lot of my interactions from then to even now.

On the show, Kolby's mom is openly, and obviously, against premarital sex. But not because it's sex, but because of the affect she believes sex has on a woman's heart.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

I'd never thought about that until seeing that episode or at least looked at my approach to life through that lens. But, the concept of remaining pure in one's heart stood out to me. It made me look at how fragile the heart and the emotions that stem from there are. We all deal with things differently, but speaking from my perspective, repetitious bouts of sadness or disappointment lead me down a path of negativity and avoidance.

This brought me to the idea of purity rings and how it's the fathers that give these to their daughters. I used to think it was tied to the concept of women being a commodity and this exchange of rings as further emphasis on his ownership of her until marriage. But, the more I thought about it, I believe that it goes back to the saying of how a girl's father is her first boyfriend.

I'd misconstrued the full meaning of that as well, thinking that it was solely based in a girl's father being the first man to make her feel special or beautiful - in essence, building her self esteem. But, I now see the Christian view to this. As her husband is eventually responsible to do, a father's duty is to protect his daughter's heart -the essence of her being.

To start back at the beginning, which was originally the end, I hate the dating process because I'm always left thinking how many times can I be disappointed and come back from it? The walls that have to come down to trust someone new get higher each time and the one thing I don't want is to be tarnished for the one who does deserve me.

But at my age, and given my circumstances, the duty to protect my heart is my own. As Meagan Good said, "don't settle for anyone who doesn't see you as close to how God sees you - perfect." Someone that views you as such, I believe, would willing take on the responsibility of protection. After all, isn't that what most women want? To feel protected.

The Flaw in Strength

I found myself watching Keeping Up with The Kardashians, the episode where Khloe made the decision to walk away from her relationship with Lamar, the other day.

"I hate seeing you stuck in this place, not making a decision when nothing's changing." 

- Kim Kardashian

I've always related to Khloe and her not giving a (whistle) attitude but this episode solidified us a kindred spirits. It started with her being at the dinner table and calling Lamar repeatedly and receiving no response. Then there was her dealing with his reckless regard for her feelings when his "rap video" surfaced. But, what really solidified it was her plea to her sisters and friend, Malika, to understand why she was sticking around, "I don't think he understands."

SOURCE: KDRAMASTARS

Granted, I've never been married or in any relationship with such extreme circumstances. But recent situations have put me emotionally in her shoes. I too feel that I'm oftentimes fighting a seemingly impossible fight for something on behalf of two people and then justifying the other person's actions when clear disregard for my feelings is demonstrated.

Not to put too much of my business out there, but for curious minds, I'm in what Facebook would define as an "It's Complicated" situation. I've always mentally snarled at that label --being of the belief that something either is or it isn't, but I'm now a believer. Somethings are just complicated and trying to fit it into the constraints of a label just further complicates what it is or isn't.

I digress.

During Khloe's plea that Lamar simply just doesn't understand, she breaks down in frustration and clear defeat. Kim, confused with how her sister allows herself to remain in this situation, then says to her, "you're the strongest person I know." If that isn't the same thing my friend told me when I called at my wits end regarding my own situation! I never let anyone get the best of me, yet here I am - defeated.
 

 SOURCE: ZAP2IT

From that point [my own conversation], I've started to question myself. Why is it that I usually have the ability to shrug off problems and circumstances yet experience these rare moments where my sense of self is shattered? I came to the conclusion that it's because I cared.

I can't speak on Khloe and who she is, because I obviously don't know her. But, if she's anything like me then she also approaches life with the not giving a (whistle) attitude because life's proven that it's easier to not care about anything than to care about everything and feel the constant blows of disappointment.

The downside to that is that when you do choose to throw caution to the wind, you end up caring too much. Personally, it makes it harder to accept if a situation is bad because it's as if everything you did was in vain. Worst than that, you were wrong - again.

I find that I don't even recognize the person I've become in this situation. I am sensitive about every single thing - the slightest thing hurts my feelings or makes me cry. I am self conscious and in this constant state of needing approval or reassurance. It's like I've become some feeble representation of my normal self and I don't like her.

This doesn't end with some grand epiphany. I'm still in my complicated situation, still making excuses. Maybe there will be an update, maybe not.

Total Truth Thursdays | Marriage: A Single's Perspective

Blogging is hard and writer's block is real.

Now, that I have those truths out the way, I want to introduce the very first "link up" I've decided to participate in - Total Truth Thursdays. I'm still not quite sure how the whole "link up" thing works, but I stumbled upon this at Hey Kelsea Rae and decided to throw caution to the wind.

If you want more information about this link-up and the dates/topics click the button at the bottom of this post.

As the subject of this post indicates, the first topic is marriage. Let me start by saying that I am not married nor by any rational assessment of my current situation close to becoming anyone's Mrs.. Because of that, I decided to look at this topic from my stance on marriage (as a single woman) and the role marriage plays in my life overall.

Candidly speaking, marriage is a goal of mine (watches as any potential suitor of mine runs for the hills). It was only recent, in the last year or so, that I realized how much of a goal it really was. I use the word goal purposely, as it's something I'm working towards. However, I do want to make clear it's not a challenge or something that I take lightly. I say it's a goal, because like any other goal I have I am working towards it and preparing myself for the opportunity. I just don't know what, or in this case who, I'm preparing for (wouldn't that make life so much easier).

The bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22)." Quickly, I think this is another one of those male ego booster things, because I'm quite positive I'll find him first and then have to wait for him to see the light. Anywho, if you read my post the other day, I talked about my views on womanhood and what being a woman means to me. As mentioned there, gender roles and the purpose of them have been skewed by society. I feel that the role of a woman is to take care of her family. Whereas a man is supposed to support his family. Over time, maybe in part due to the repetitive roles women and men assumed in society, people have equated "taking care" with domestic responsibilities and "support" with finances and stability.

To me, the words can be interpreted however as long as the interpretation works for that family unit. Taking care of one household may mean a woman needs to carry the financial burden while her husband continues education. For another household, the husband may need to "support" his wife's desire to maintain her career and be a stay at home dad. I think the definition of what it means to take care of someone or support a person has always been a constant, it's just how it plays out is what's flexible.

Unfortunately, marriage has loss it's value in society. I think that's partially due to the casual manner in which it's approached - also the stigmas that have been attached to it. I am a product of divorce, so I didn't grow up in a household that's helped to shape my ideals on marriage. But, I've witnessed (mainly in media) a lot of power couples. Besides the success and money, what I've always wanted and admired was how much of a team dynamic they seemed to have.

As I've been dating, I have come to the decision that all the dating I do is in preparation of finding my husband - my partner in crime, the person that balances me.  I have a sincere belief that life is not a journey intended to be experienced alone. I have things right and wrong with me, but so will my furture husband. For me, the puzzle is finding the person whose wrongs are my rights and vice versa. This obviously complicates the dating game for me, but having marriage in mind as my goal does help the process.

Tune in next Thursday, the topic is fashion.