Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Flaw in Strength

I found myself watching Keeping Up with The Kardashians, the episode where Khloe made the decision to walk away from her relationship with Lamar, the other day.

"I hate seeing you stuck in this place, not making a decision when nothing's changing." 
- Kim Kardashian

I've always related to Khloe and her not giving a (whistle) attitude but this episode solidified us a kindred spirits. It started with her being at the dinner table and calling Lamar repeatedly and receiving no response. Then there was her dealing with his reckless regard for her feelings when his "rap video" surfaced. But, what really solidified it was her plea to her sisters and friend, Malika, to understand why she was sticking around, "I don't think he understands."


Granted, I've never been married or in any relationship with such extreme circumstances. But recent situations have put me emotionally in her shoes. I too feel that I'm oftentimes fighting a seemingly impossible fight for something on behalf of two people and then justifying the other person's actions when clear disregard for my feelings is demonstrated.

Not to put too much of my business out there, but for curious minds, I'm in what Facebook would define as an "It's Complicated" situation. I've always mentally snarled at that label --being of the belief that something either is or it isn't, but I'm now a believer. Somethings are just complicated and trying to fit it into the constraints of a label just further complicates what it is or isn't.

I digress.

During Khloe's plea that Lamar simply just doesn't understand, she breaks down in frustration and clear defeat. Kim, confused with how her sister allows herself to remain in this situation, then says to her, "you're the strongest person I know." If that isn't the same thing my friend told me when I called at my wits end regarding my own situation! I never let anyone get the best of me, yet here I am - defeated.

From that point [my own conversation], I've started to question myself. Why is it that I usually have the ability to shrug off problems and circumstances yet experience these rare moments where my sense of self is shattered? I came to the conclusion that it's because I cared.

I can't speak on Khloe and who she is, because I obviously don't know her. But, if she's anything like me then she also approaches life with the not giving a (whistle) attitude because life's proven that it's easier to not care about anything than to care about everything and feel the constant blows of disappointment.

The downside to that is that when you do choose to throw caution to the wind, you end up caring too much. Personally, it makes it harder to accept if a situation is bad because it's as if everything you did was in vain. Worst than that, you were wrong - again.

I find that I don't even recognize the person I've become in this situation. I am sensitive about every single thing - the slightest thing hurts my feelings or makes me cry. I am self conscious and in this constant state of needing approval or reassurance. It's like I've become some feeble representation of my normal self and I don't like her.

This doesn't end with some grand epiphany. I'm still in my complicated situation, still making excuses. Maybe there will be an update, maybe not.

No comments:

Post a Comment