Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The Path to Understanding
If you've been reading my blog consistently, you'll notice that I've began to incorporate more spiritual undertones to my posts. I started this journey to "womanhood" because I was looking to grow into the woman that I'd always saw myself as being. Initially, I saw this in a plethora of areas: dressing better, cooking more, being fit, increased charisma. But, while on this journey I've been led to start on the inside and that mission has led me to God.
I stated in my post last Friday that I am no stranger to God. But, I'm coming to learn that my relationship with him has been very surface and that I need to embrace him in all aspects of my life, not just in prayer. I've been directed to testimonial videos of married couples and them speaking on living for God in your singleness.
As much as I hate to admit it, if I'm being honest, my journey to womanhood was kicked off in efforts to make myself more desirable for a man. I have yet to address it here, but if you've noticed, a lot of my most recent posts hint at the upset I've been dealing with regarding someone I had been dating. I've been really torn up about it and in response went into a lot of prayer as to why this happened and what was His purpose. Then in the midst of seeking these answers I was contacted by someone else and of course my first thought went to this being some sign from God.
But thank God for clarity! I came across a video about the enemy sending carbon copies of what we want to stray us from our purpose and God's plan for us. At that time, I wanted a male distraction - a rebound maybe? Let's just say, I don't think there was any mistake that I was contacted in my moment of weakness and emotional openness. God isn't the only one known for his timing.
I have received messages in my spirit, several times, that I should accept being single and find happiness within myself. Yet, that thought is always met by this other voice that keeps telling me that I can find that with someone else and that I need company on my journey. I'm now identifying that other voice as the enemy. I am coming to understand that just because I am single does not mean that I am alone, because God is with me.
I've always applied this laser focus on meeting "the one" and investing so much time and energy into dating, preparedness for dating, and all this has done was result in keeping me from building my relationship with God. I have been following my plan, not His.
In the latest video I watched, all from this couple, they spoke about how when you choose God you are accepting that your life is not your own and you let go of your wants and desires and accept those He has for you. I don't have any vices really, so it's not as if I need to let go of something that is considered major by most people. I'm not promiscuous, I don't really drink, or party, but rap music is my weakness. It sounds ridiculous but I can connect it to low points in my life and above else it's been my connection to almost every guy that I've ever dated.
I've allowed my flesh to connect me with people versus what's in my spirit. I don't even have to go as far as dating, but in terms of the people I invite into my life that is the thread that oftentimes keeps me connected to them. It's also the one thing I struggle letting go of.
There's no conclusion to this. But, I wanted to share these thoughts as they've help me add clarity to the true purpose of my journey.